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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
If a door closes in your life...kick that f*cking thing open and continue to pursue your dreams.
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
I`ve been baptized five times this week in five different churches. I wish the landlord would hurry up and fix my shower.
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
Your 15 second video will start after this 30 min. commercial...
Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.