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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
Hair pulling during sex is hot ... unless the whole wig comes off.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts...it would be very creepy.
2 words, 1 finger.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
Some people just bring out the psycho in me
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin...just in case
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.