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My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I bought some shoes of a drug dealer, I don`t know what he laced them with but I`ve been tripping all day.
Tequila... cuz the bed isn`t goin to spin itself!
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
My goal this weekend is to move just enough each day so that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
This chick I met last week says she wants a guy who is `funny and spontaneous`, yet when I tap on the kitchen window uninvited late at night dressed as a clown it`s all pantic and screaming.
I don`t need WebMD to tell me what`s wrong with me, I have my mother.
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. Iām sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.