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I put the o in illiterate!
I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
I like candlelit dinners, long walks on the beach and hardcore pornography.
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you`re married...that`s a job!!
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
When women say “It’s not what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts”, we all know they are talking about a Man’s wallets.
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I am not lazy, I`m on power saving mode