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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
I like the part of the day when food happens.
Sorry I kept stopping erratically. I was pumping SCREW YOU in Morse Code with my brake lights.
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
Remember before the internet when all the people at the video store knew you watched porn alone on Saturday mornings
Just printed out 50 copies of today`s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I`m just not in the mood for small talk.
Heck, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.
You know who your true friends are when they call you at 3AM just to tell you they love you and that their drunk...
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
The less you know, the more you think you do.
No one should be surprised that so many statuses are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Facebook by making good life decisions.