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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins, Iām ok but the 911 operator was a total b!tch about it!
I gave up my Ego, because I am so much better than that..................
Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won`t be necessary.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
When I was a kid, I really thought piranhas were going to be pretty much a daily concern.
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
People be like: "Awe baby you make me so happy." But the second you break up they be like, "finally happy."
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.