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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
I wonder if Oscar the Grouch has a hipster cousin somewhere that lives in a recycling bin.
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
Truth is, it’s not a “long story”… I’m just too damn lazy to explain it.
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
Wives give sound advice. 99% sound, 1% advice.
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
What`s the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you`ve fooled me, what`s behind that blur? Is it a monkey? A pencil?
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.