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If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Your mobile phone has more computing power than all of NASA in 1969. NASA launched a man to the moon. ...We launch a bird into pigs!
$5.99 Trojan condoms or $19.99 Huggies diapers. Choose wisely...
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.
I want to put a bib on a baby that says "This dumbass put my cape on backwards." lol
If he pauses a video game to text you, he`s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
Word for today: Dipshidiot
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.