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What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
Sorry I`m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
It`s bigger on the inside..said no woman, ever!
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
I was called sexist today. So..i said i think ur mistaken...its pronounced sexy! LOL
My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I text a lot.
Hate cleaning my floors...how fast would I go to hell if I got a blind roommate and replaced his cane with a swiffer?
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
Yes, that`s correct. And the horse you rode in on.
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I’m not single and I’m not committed… I’m simply on reserve for the one who deserves…
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.