Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Optimism? Sure, it`s worth a try. I don`t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
"Is that for here or to go?" —Real estate agent selling a mobile home
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
The bottle of Pepto Bismol say’s 4 out of every 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one of them enjoys it?
I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.
I would lose weight, but I hate losing..
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
Still haven`t cashed in my winning megamillions ticket...scared the $6 will make my friends treat me different.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Eating Popcorn: 90% during the trailers. 10% during the movie.
New philosophy on life: Do unto others, then run like hell.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...