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Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
Just think about all the stuff you aren`t thinking about.
Do NOT accept friend requests from Hormel Foods, it could be spam...
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
My mom just sent me a friend request on Facebook! Finally I can use that "I`m not your friend I`m your mother" speech to my advantage.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
The closest I`ve come to camping was that one time when I fell asleep in the bushes outside your window with my camera.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn`t improved since fourth grade.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone
Several decisions I make on a daily basis hinge upon the question "illegal or just frowned upon?"