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Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
May all of us be as good looking/ beautiful as we look on our FB profile pic..
Dyslexics are teople poo.. :|
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She`s 97 today and we don`t know where the hell she is.