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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
Not to cause a panic but i`m starting to think we`re running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it!
Thought for the day: Never hold your farts in. They travel up your spine, into your brain, and that is where sh!tty ideas come from!
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
Its all fun and games until someone drinks the beer with the cigarette butts in it..
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
roses are red,violets are blue,god made me beautiful, what happen to you..