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I`ve ended up encountering much less porridge than I had expected I would as a child.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I bet the "YMCA" dance is a lot harder to do in different languages
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
It`s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
The next time there`s an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
If you feel down because you had a bad day! Chin up! Tomorrow is another day and the worst has yet to come!
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
Sorry I said "Better you than me" when you showed me your baby.
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
I have many talents... For example: Sleeping.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
I went to the Dr today with severe headaches .. he asked if I suffered from any memory loss. I said "How the F would I know?"