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Besides creating dinosaurs are mosquitos good for anything?
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
Attention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If your parents told you you`re beautiful, they`re lyin to you..:D
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
I wish I could google "things to eat in my fridge" so I wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed. ;)
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...