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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
Dieting is for the birds. Which is why you hardly ever see a fat bird.
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
Thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried...
Much like a dog, men will pretty much do anything you want if you feed them first.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
"You only live once" is also an equally compelling reason not to do something extreme or stupid.
Is food porn star a thing yet??
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..
LSD makes users lose weight ... That makes sense. It`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.