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Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you`re up to. :)
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
11th Commandment: Thou shall not gossip about other people’s lives when you are not doing any better yourself.
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
“Dad, I’m hungry.” “Hi, Hungry. I’m Dad.” - Every time.
I hate when the cops throw me in the back of the squad car like they didn’t hear me call shotgun.
This is odd?!?! The hour we lost this weekend was the one when I was planning to go to the gym.
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble, people, respect it!
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`
If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore
There should be a mercy rule for how many pics a girl can upload from her vacation.
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.