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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I’d pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, “Keep the change you filthy animal.”
I believe in love at first episode.
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Getting up in the morning is like writing an essay. You want to do it, it takes a lot of effort, and you usually quit halfway through.
I generally don`t hang out with people who are missing digits on their feet. It`s not that I`m a jerk. I`m just lack-toes intolerant.
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?