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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
There`s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I bet Batman`s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he admits.
Gimmie a P. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an O. Gimmie a C. Gimmie an R. Gimmie an A. Gimmie an S. Gimmie a....oh, nevermind. I`ll finish this later.
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
Some Facebook friends are like ghost you dont see them but you know their there
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat up; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
Don’t break anyone’s heart; they only have one. Break they’re bones. They have over 200 of them.
Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves ...That`s where I come in...
U.S.A.... where people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke
Admit it: you have all tried to rap in the shower..