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When I was younger, it was wine, women & song. Now I am older, it`s beer, the old lady & TV!
If you give me a phone number or directions while I`m on the phone with you, just know that I`m using my very best finger pen and air paper.
I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
Ever notice that all the instruments searching for intelligent life are pointed away from earth?
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
Lately I`ve been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...
None of my girlfriends even know they`re dating me.
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.