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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
I’m sorry I’m late. I saw a drawing of the sun wearing sunglasses and spent 4 hours wondering what the f**k he was protecting his eyes from.
I was fighting with this gal over who is lazier. I let her win.
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
I don`t regret burning bridges. I regret that some people weren`t on those bridges when I burned them.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
Go ahead, post sober. Ruin everything.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
When I see somebody get on one knee tying their shoe in public I get in front of them, happy cry, and say “Oh my GOD, I will, YES-YESS!”
A few more months without getting laid and I should be eligible for employment at Gamestop.
How’s your day going? Here’s a good way to tell: Is it “already” 2:00pm or “only” 2:00pm?