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Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say "pound me."
I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.
I Wonder what Facebook Employees do to waste time at work ?
MY 8 YEAR OLD: "Walrus testicles are called walnuts."
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
I don`t mind being wrong, as long as nobody knows.
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
I`m not funny, I`m just really mean and people think I`m joking.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
That awkward moment when the woman your dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, and you realize she`s just lost an earring and nobody in Starbucks can hear your iPod...
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
*during sex,I suddenly stop moving* Her: What are you doing? Me: SHHHHH It`s ok...I saw this on Pornhub, It`s called Buffering!
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.