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Wine: How classy people get trashed.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right
You learn something new everyday and if you didnt know that then you just did.
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got fatter."
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
So far today has been a pretty good day...I haven`t had to bite or hit anyone, yet!!
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"