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Love is like hearing your favorite song for the first time. Then listening to it over and over again till you hate that song.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
Valentines day
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they`re concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
How many HA’s equal a LOL? How about a LMAO? Is there a conversion chart somewhere?
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.
It`s weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."