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There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep the television set going.
Wish my girlfriend was awake, could really do with a sandwich right now.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
Women say they love a man in uniform but when i go clubbing in my McDonalds uniform none of them will talk to me....I`m confused
You know what’s more annoying than cops? People who buy old refurbished cop cars and keep the spotlight attached. We all hate you.
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
My new bumper sticker ... "Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked “do you have any firearms with you?” do not reply “what do you need?”
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
Helped my kid pick out a "famous past explorer" for a class assignment. Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I`m not a good liar.
Due To ObamaCare and the poor economy Holiday Cheer this year will be distributed in Shot Glasses...
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...