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To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.
I don`t like surprises so, I never open my Electric Bill or my Bank Statement.
I hate grocery shopping. That`s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I`m getting, but it sure is faster.
I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
To the 84yo woman that won the $591 million dollar PowerBall, sup baby ;)
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
The statement `Hey! Calm down!` has a zero to no success rate of getting someone to calm down
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool
I`m not sarcastic…I`m just intellegent beyond your understanding.