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Why I don’t like people: 1% logical reasons. 99% just because.
My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in a cage, we just want to set them free.
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
I hate it when the credit card bills come in and I have to have sex with my husband.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
I do take my job seriously; To make sure there are no day old donuts at the local coffees shop.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
Last night I got so drunk I blacked out for two hours, but then I realized I’d just put my hoodie on backwards
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
is wondering if the hokey pokey is really what it´s all about
Monday morning coffee is just as important as friday night liquor....almost.