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I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
Procrastination comes to those who wait.
Last night we were in bed and I asked my wife "What would you like to do to my body more than anything else?" She said "Identify it."
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny, AND thin ... It`s a public service really.
Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
I didn’t give you the finger...you earned it.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
If you fall, I`ll be there - Floor
Filling out a job application. Under "Military Experience" I put that I once went commando for 4 days in a row.