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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
If others are jealous, you’re doing something right.
I asked my girlfriend if she was ok with me buying her a ring. She said "nothing would make me happier!" So I got her nothing.
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
If you ever need anything please don`t hesitate to ask someone else first.
Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom`s wise words: "Don`t pick that up!! You don`t know where it`s been!!"
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
I`m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don`t really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
I say No to drugs but they... won`t listen.