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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
Finger Prints on Super Bowl Trophy to be used in dozens of criminal investigations
My most frequent walk of shame is from one bathroom to the other with the plunger
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
I’ve been saving up my tickets for 27 years sir, and I would like to purchase this very chuck e cheese.
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Old is when you start thinking about the things you used to do more than the things you’re going to do.
The two major causes of depression are: a) having a job, and b) not having a job.
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
If the best things in life really are free, why am I still getting charged at the liquor store? I call bullshit
I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
I hope daylight savings time hasn`t thrown you off your schedule of doing nothing.