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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"
Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
Survival rule #1: You go first.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel. OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel. REALIST: A train. TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I just awesomed all over the place.
I`m curious: Do girls shake the gasoline nozzle when they`re taking it out of their cars too?
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"
Being an adult is the worst idea ever.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
I was told that I had an alcohol problem, but I think me and Captain Morgan have it figured out..
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer