Daily Silly Status

I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.

The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?

My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...

If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.

Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.

You are the pebble in my shoe of people

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that`s another weakness

The difference between me & normal people is the normal

If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.

I`ve decided that from now on I`m going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. It`s kind of fun... "Dean, what are you doing this weekend?" "That`s a great question -- and an important one. And I WILL do something this weekend. But let me take a step back, and answer a broader question. What are we ALL doing this weekend? As a nation? As a world? This weekend, I will do something comprehensive and robust, yet fun. We all should." "But what are you doing?" "What I`m g

What if Spider Man has to stop a crime in the countryside

I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.

Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool

Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.

I`d like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."