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I just researched the medicinal name for Viagra..... MYCOXAPHAYLYN
A good lawyer knows the law. An excellent one knows the judge.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
Nothing improves creativity like a lack of supervision!
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
I don`t know if getting everything I want would make me happy, but the opposite is not working at all.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
Come to think of it, I’ve never seen a taxi fill up at a gas station
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.