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At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, Iām forty. I have one.
Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn`t enough.
Facebook: Wasting peoples lives since 2004
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
Elderly people used to always nudge me at weddings and say "You`re next."What got them to stop is when............I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Boss just announced she is leaving early. What a coincidence. So am I.
I`m Dave, or as the ladies like to call me... "Hey, you! Behind the bushes!"
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.
How`d this get posted?