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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Facebook: Saving us money on birthday cards since 2004
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
One man`s sarcastic answer, is another man`s stupid question
"Kids are great when you need help around the house." - People who don`t have kids
I thought she asked if I was interested in an orgy. Turns out she really said "4G." My apologies to the lady at the Verizon kiosk.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
Not sure what my spirit animal is, but I am sure it has rabies
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
More people would drink responsibly if there was a brand of beer named Responsibly.
Buy all your socks in one color - problem of the missing sock solved!
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Spoiler Alert: Ladies, if your guy friend gets you a teddy bear, it has a Camera in it.