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Vodka is just amazing water.
This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
Do you guys dance in the shower too? This morning I did the robot! (I short circuited and stared at the wall for 40 minutes, broken)
Wednesday, you’d be a lot cooler if you were Friday night.
Chili for breakfast. Cause I hate my Co-workers.
Oh well, this time isn`t going to procrastinate itself.
"Trust your gut" is terrible advice. How can I put trust in something that tells me to eat an entire pizza when I get drunk?
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
I`m probably not going to get accepted into the optimist club.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I assume that a Columbus Day sale means I can just walk into a store and take whatever I want.
You`re more inbred than sandwhich filler.
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.