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Watching someone else play a video game is like watching someone who won`t let you join in while they`re masturbating.
"The more the merrier!" usually means "oh, you overheard us making those plans, huh?"
Forget the hero part, I just like the fact that Batman punches clowns.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
My phone battery lasts longer than relationships these days
You should have been a chicken and just went home.
My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don`t have a little brother...
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
When I count calories it involves a bunch of multiplication.
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
If they were really trying to prepare high school kids for “real life” they would offer a class called “working with a$$holes”
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
If you`re ever sad, just imagine how much worse it would be to be a tree that spent years and years growing up, only to end up as a Justin Bieber notebook