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How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Lol at birds that walk places.
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
The wifi going down on me is the most action I`m going to get tonight.
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
You never know how little self control you have until they put chips and salsa in front of you at a Mexican restaurant.
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.
My number was 0...
No matter how nice I ask random people, nobody will take me to Funkytown.
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.
I just googled, "understanding women," the computer crashed.