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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
Found out today that you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sorry, strange lady at the Waffle House. Just trying to help...
You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
If I learned anything from my children, it`s that it is always OK to do something stupid, as long as someone DARED you to do it.
Two heads aren`t better than one if you`re both stupid.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How sh!tty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
what I hate about technology is that even my book ran out of batteries
A lot of people don`t know this, but you can quietly like or dislike Obama.
Sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is go to bed.