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I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people so where my tolerance level is at.
That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
Sometimes I whisper, "I´m on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.
My Viagra addiction was the hardest time of my life.
Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
There`s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it`s only lettuce :(
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
I wish bedtime was all the time.
I rather be a known drunk, than an Anonimous Alcoholic
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!
I wonder if my neighbors are more tired of hearing my dog bark or me screaming at it to shut the f*ck up.