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"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
Attention burglars: We may or may not be home. Or maybe we are hunters, waiting for you to get closer for a kill shot
18 is TOO young to get married! You can`t even buy booze at 18! If you can`t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
Answer your phone, "come in" just to mess with people once in a while. Count how many seconds it takes for them to respond.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
You could give me 45 years to do homework and I still wouldn’t do it until the night before.
I`ve just woken up, and it appears that Earth is temporarily safe from harm & currently doesn`t need my assistance, so I`m going back to bed.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
I dont pay for cabs if I’m too drunk to drive. I find the nearest Dominos, order a pizza delivery to my house & ask for a ride home with it.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.