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It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
I’m exhausted just thinking of everything I have to do.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
I`m so pissed right now! I`m about to open a can of... Wait…WTF??!! Since when did they start putting child-proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass? A little help please...
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
Never do anything for money. Unless it’s a lot of money. Then do anything.