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Married sext: I’m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
I wish the buck stopped here…I could use a few.
If you pull the pin out of a grenade, can you put it back in and let go? I`m going to need a quick answer for this....
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!
It`s the little things in life that count, like pills.
Now that there is no FBI director we can finally make copies of VHS tapes
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die" Apparently the other 2 become immortal.