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It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
In terms of procrastination, I had a very productive day.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that`s your ghost outfit forever.
Mary, mary quit contrary, watched their garden thrive. The cops found seed of a very odd weed; Now they`s doing three to five.
"But why?" - Me at weddings
Even if your life was a total waste of space, there’s always hope that you’ll die in a weird enough way to make a CSI episode.
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
God knew that there would be times that a single middle finger wouldn`t be enough.
People think that a girl`s dream is to find her perfect guy & be with him forever... That`s Crap! A girl`s dream is to eat without getting fat.
Dear penis, thanks for not bleeding once a month. Sincerely, every man ever.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
I hate people who take drugs ... Customs for example.
This is my leftover status from Thanksgiving.