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I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
I hate when a couple argues in public but I missed the start and don`t know whose side I`m on.
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
These police take Hide and Seek really seriously.
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn`t where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
Sarcasm is funnier when used on people who don`t understand it.
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
If a guy stares at your boobs, just stare at his d!ck ... maybe squint a little bit
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."