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If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
The way my kids act at Walmart, it`s just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
She might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty`s only a light switch away.
I`ve never been skydiving, but I`ve zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
Top three reasons he doesn`t text you back: 1. He`s just not that into you 2. He`s imaginary 3. He`s a cat
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.
Me: I must be out of my mind. Me: You and me both.