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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
I`m really easy to get along with, once people learn to worship me.
I`m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I`ll run them under cold water for half a second
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
To the woman with six screaming kids in Walmart, if you wonder how those condoms got in your cart, you’re welcome.
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
If you don`t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Vodka isn`t the answer... but it makes you forget the question :P
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness