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Went to the bookstore to pick up a "Where`s Waldo" book today, but couldn`t find any. Well played Waldo, well played...
Gatorade always has athletes in their commercials sweating and working hard. They really should target their real consumer. A Fat guy on the couch nursing a hangover. Is it in you?
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
I have a life outside of internet, it involves charging my phone.
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
We get it poets: things are like other things
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn`t have toilet paper with aloe.
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight... to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.