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3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
If you don`t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
The Swiss must`ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
All milk is breast milk.
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
How can society expect me to be a mature productive member of it I don`t even know if it`s spelled gray or grey
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem