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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
I`d try Taco Bell`s breakfast but I don`t start drinking that early.
Just told the guy at the second drive-thru window that the guy at the first drive-thru window wants to fight him.
Should all acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind, should all acquaintance be forgot and somebody refill my wine.
Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn`t a real sport.
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
It’s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
A procrastinator`s work is never done...
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
No magician can do a trick that impresses me as much as that ‘take off my bra and make it appear out of my sleeve’ thing that girls do.
If Kutcher went to Sheen and said It`s still your show, this was all a joke and yelled "You got Punked" it would be the greatest prank ever.
Is everything expensive or am I simply poor?
If Facebook has taught us anything, it`s that a lot of people are not quite ready for a Spelling Bee.
Thanks for posting pics of what you had for dinner, the suspense was f*cking killing me.