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I`m not sure where you learned to whisper but I`m guessing inside a helicopter surrounded by f*cking chainsaws.
Could you guys just scroll a little? I was really funny yesterday.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
When someone shows you they don`t want to be a part of your life, let them go. I`m not saying you can`t make a voodoo doll of them, though.
My dog is entertained chasing his tail and I`m bored with a device that gives me access to infinite knowledge...
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
I`m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest any of you in despair and disappointment?
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills,with a rubber band around it...I found the rubber band....
Bored? Simply send a text to a random number saying "I`m pregnant"