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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
Alcohol: Because no good story starts with “So this one time I was eating a salad….”
I think I`m approaching my "best if used by" date
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
We have so much in common. You want to travel and I want you to go.
I`m awesome...just ask me...!!!!
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
I was really pissed at my girlfriend for not calling me all day. Then I remembered she`s imaginary. So I`m good.