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If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money, I`d just laugh and search with them.
I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
If you`ve never played Tetris, you`re probably useless at loading a dishwasher
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
You know you are old when people keep telling you how young you look.
Marriage is for quitters
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
I wan`t you to know that someone cares. not me, but someone.
I wish life had a “rewind-the-weekend” button.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.