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I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
The one good thing about an egotist. They don`t talk about other people.
You girls are lucky, tampons are changing the end from a string to a bit of tinsel but its only for the Christmas period
There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
I`m going to propose with a mood ring so I can easily see a measurement of how excited she really is.
Don`t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza....
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
When people see ghosts, why aren`t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: Everyone`s yelling, everything`s sticky, it`s the same music over and over again and occasionally someone pukes somewhere they
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.