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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Health tip: There`s never a `safe` time to shake a teenage boy`s hand. Never.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
Own the day
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
Nothing says "I`m unemployed" like wishing for snow on Facebook.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
I don`t even think it`s possible for a bear to cook porridge.
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF