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Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I`d prefer something else.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Of course morning sex is better. You haven`t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
Every girl is beautiful, sometimes it just takes the right amount of alcohol to see it....
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
I think I will stick to my old fashioned pepper shaker. This new pepper spray tastes terrible on my potatoes...
Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg ;)
Strange new trend at work. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Yesterday I ate a tuna sandwich named Jennifer.
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?