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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
By the power vested in me and by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
A penny for your thoughts. Five bucks if they`re dirty.
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
If a man repeats everything a woman says, word for word,,,,,,,, is he still wrong?
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave