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People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
I`d rather run into the four horsemen of the apocalypse than a group of women out on a "girls` night."
I`m horrible with women. Probably because I only know like 3 shades of gray.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn`t look stupid.
I have lots of great personality traits. Or as my doctor calls them, symptoms.
Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?
Sorry, I can`t hangout. My uncle`s cousin`s sister in law`s best friend`s insurance agent`s roommate`s pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. Except for bodily functions...Hopefully you can control THEM. :/
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Never take a Chess enthusiast to a restaurant with checkered tablecloths!……It’ll take them an hour to pass the salt!
This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.
They said money can`t by happiness. But it can buy tattoos, car parts, and beer. What else could we need?
If a dwarf smokes weed does he get high or medium?