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Of course I talk to myself. I need to have an intelligent conversation every now and then.
A friend doesn`t question your motive, they just keep their mouth shut and dig.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
Does the 5 second rule apply to soup? Please answer quickly!
How long have I been working here? ... Ever since they threatened to fire me.
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I’m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.