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Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
Hmmmm what should I buy myself for Valentines day.
I had hopes and dreams. Now I have vodka and Facebook.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
Why isn`t Wendy`s girl fat? You would think that someone who eats so many Baconators, chicken sandwiches and other burgers, would be quite the porker by now.
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
If turning alcohol into bad decisions ever becomes an Olympic event, I`m bringin` home the Gold! USA! USA!
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".
Gardening is awesome because it is one of the only ways a normal person can be persuaded into buying actual bags of poop.
It`s not you, it`s me. I can`t stand you.