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If I won the lottery, I don`t think I would change much. I`d still be the same asshole, just one in a helicopter.
What if aliens only abduct crazy people, because nobody will ever believe them?
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
Does all this status updating make my ego look fat?
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
First Rule of Camping: Put up the tent before you start drinking.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… to be slowly driven insane by Christmas music.
I hate when I’m walking into the gym and the wind blows me into the liquor store.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
If you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.