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Iām going to start wearing a whistle around my neck, so I can call penalties on people who piss me off.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
No one is as ugly as their driver`s license, and nobody is attractive as their profile picture.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Eleventeen percent of the population makes up words.
I read Facebook for the pictures.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
My coworkers are looking at me like they`ve never seen anyone tailgate before work.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."