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If only life was as easy as getting fat.
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
I would of never even thought of touching half the things that I`ve touched, if it weren`t for the "Do not touch" signs!
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
If you receive an e-mail that says: ``FREE JUSTIN BIEBER CONCERT TICKETS`` Don`t open it! It may contain free Justin Bieber concert tickets.
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
thinks we should all jump out of our chairs and do the 5 second happy dance! READY! GO!
I’m moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
Relationship Tip for men: When a woman says, "Correct me if I`m wrong but...."Don`t do it!! It`s a trap!! DO NOT, I repeat, do not correct that woman!!!
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?