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This cat poop tastes like I`m about to get yelled at -Dogs
is available for rebound sex.
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
I saw a chameleon today. I guess it was a pretty crappy chameleon.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
I taught my wife everything she knows about male stupidity.
Its ironic how the colors Red, White and Blue represent freedom... until they are flashing behind your back.
am updating my status just to let you know my status has no status
I`ve just seen an advert in my local newspaper. ACCOUNTANT NEEDED! $35,000 - $40,000 So I called them up and said, "The answer is -$5,000."
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
Two can play that game...` -people who dont understand that`s how games usually work
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.
Don`t understand how people in depression commercials can be sad with how attractive they are.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.