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Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
The guest of honour was a bit subdued. The Keyboardist was playing too softly for my liking. But it was a good turnout, lots of food and laughter. But break out into one choreographed `Thriller` dance routine and the crowd goes all apesh!t and tosses you out of the funeral home.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Only toilet paper deals with more a$$holes than I do.
Happiness is realizing you can have as many drinks as you want ... cause you`re not driving.
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
Like a good neighbor, stay over there
Ask not what your father can do for you, but what you can do for your father. Happy Fathers Day!