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When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
“What doesn’t kill you makes you smaller.” ~Mario
You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
Corduroy pillows?... They`re making headlines!....
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
Thank God you`ve updated your status to "Finished lunch" after you first posted "Going to lunch" I really couldn`t tolerate more suspense.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you`re interested by repeatedly asking "why doesn`t our lawn ever look that nice?"
Yeah I`m married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT`S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I never fail to win at Rock, Paper, Scissors when I pick up the other person and throw them out the window.
According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I`m OCD.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
This healthy diet thing is dangerous. I just cut myself peeling an apple. This would have never happened to me with a twinkie.
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.