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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
I thought about cleaning my room this weekend but didn`t do it. Then I remembered its the thought that counts so I feel better now
I`ve seen more pins in the last few days then stone cold steve austin on groundhog day..
If its true we`re here to help others, then what exaclty are the others here for?
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
Everyday I run into someone who pushes me past the limits of my medication.
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.