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I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, & nothing but the truth" ... I choose dare, your honor
I`m one more bottle of wine away from starting a blog.
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
What I learned in college 1.Water bottles are a great way to hide vodka. 2. When your thirsty in the morning you will regret #1.
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
Ya know u would never know u where happy if u never had bad memory.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
Ahh, Spring. When the days get longer and the dresses get shorter!!
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
My New Year`s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."