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Organized people are just too lazy to look for things!
When people with multiple personality disorders are about to die, whose life flashes before their eyes?
If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I`ll sign up to be his coach. It`s important that he knows that I`ll swear at other kids too.
for some reason my plans to workout never work out
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
I just awesomed all over the place.
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
I Googled, “Who gives a sh!t?” and I was not in the search results.
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
The guy who named the umbrella meant to call it a brella but he hesitated.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.