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I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
I’m too young to be too old for everything.
Nothing ruins a perfectly good mood like reality.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
I know two wrongs don`t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I`m like on 756.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
I don`t know what I would do without Facebook, but I`m sure it would be something more productive
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.