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Breaking News: Tuesdays suck just as much as Mondays.
Edward Cullen is extremely pale due to the lack of light in the closet.
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
My life is based on a true story
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…
Why do pickup truck commercials think it`s very important that I`m able to tow a plane?