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When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn`t eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he couldn`t whine on FB.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
I hope I die doing something extreme like climbing Mt. Everest or telling a woman I don`t like her new haircut.
I`m going to invent a cleaning product that kills .1% of all germs and bacteria. It doesn`t sound very effective, but I`m going to get it placed right next to all the other cleaning products that kill 99.9% of all germs and bacteria.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.
There are 10 types of people in the world, Those that understand binary, and those who don`t.