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The Hobbit 2: we`ve still got a long way to walk
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn`t sing it out loud in public
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have sā¬x.
Don`t worry about old age, it doesn`t last that long.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
99 Days Facebook Free? Big deal! In 1999 I went a whole year without Facebook.
Grabbed Pizza Roll. Thought "my god that is so hot it`s burning my fingers" and immediately popped it in my mouth ... I`m a goddamn genius.
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...
I love how television has redefined the word `marathon` to the exact opposite of physical exercise
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.
If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$.