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I`m like the stink in your feet.....I will always be with you.
"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
FYI: You can`t beat rock-paper-scissors with yourself in the mirror.
Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.
dude i wasent tht drunk you were huging a peice of chese saying ill never let u go sponge bob
I just want to be rich enough to tell my boss, "you`re not the boss of me"!
If there`s one thing I learned from my wife, it`s don`t get married!
My local news station says it gives us " news when it breaks " ...I want unbroken news!!
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.