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You can learn a lot about a girl by ignoring her text messages.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
When I say "It’s a long story" It usually means I just don’t want to tell you it.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
Mom in poetic mood ....Asked me to express emptiness .... I showed her my wallet ........ n m cheek still burns .... :-p :-p
The best part of being single is that you always get to be right.