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Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
If the Terminator was female the line would have been, “I might be back, I haven’t decided yet.”
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
It`s all fun and games until the cops show up.
Sometimes I miss being in a relationship, but then I look at my wallet and I feel alright again.
Sorry, I can’t today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandfather’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and yes, it was tragic.
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
Nobody texts faster than a pissed off female.
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
The Titanic is a great lesson of why just the tip can get you in a lot of trouble.
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.