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Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
I`m not saying women are smarter than men, but it`s kinda ironic that there`s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.
If Crunch Berries aren`t considered fresh fruit I don`t think this diet is going to work out.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
Well, I`m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Having a dirty mind makes simple conversation much more exciting!
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
Be the type of gentleman that holds the door open for your girl, but smacks her ass as she walks in.
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
Procrastination: when "make a bucket list" is on your bucket list.