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The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
If airports are so safe, why are the buildings called Terminal
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven`t seen for half an hour.
Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
Hey I just met you, and this is crazy. But add me on Facebook and I`ll stalk you (maybe)
Why is it that flies can get in your car so easy, but can`t figure out how to escape with all the windows down.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
If offering people gum is cooking, then yes, I cook.
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.