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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
As i get older i realize I do a LOT more YOGA...attempting to tie my shoelaces
I was bitten by a mosquito last night. Bet that little bastard is pretty hung-over today
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
You never know what you have until you clean your room.
My body needs a refresh button.
I Don`t Care If you Don`t Like Me .. Iam Not A Facebook Status :D
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around