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only 9530 days until retirement.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Everyone can stop painting. We all have cameras that can take perfect pictures of everything.
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
I’m not lazy, I’m on energy saving mode.
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
are you free tomorrow ?! no I am f**king expensive !!
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
"Are u going to the circus?" is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife`s question: "how does my make-up look?"
There should be reality show where 16 congressmen are forced to take jobs in the private sector.