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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
Mondays should start at noon.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
I just saw a 2 or 3yr old boy wearing a t-shirt that says, "if mom or dad wont buy it I`ll just sms grandma and grandpa"
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
One of the biggest decisions when you go to college is whether to join a fraternity or just be an asshole on your own.