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When you`re trying to change the channel on the tv, and the remote starts ringing, you`re probably drunk.
I bet sex is great when I`m not the only one in the room.
Not to brag, but they know me by name at the liquor store and the police station.
When the sign says: DO NOT TOUCH I read: Touch when nobody is looking.
If a woman repeats what you just said in the form of a question, you`ll be dead soon.
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
I`m not saying I can perform miracles or anything, but when the Taco Bell employee isn`t looking,, I can turn water into Sprite.
My coworkers and I do this fun thing where they say `It`s so cold out!` and I say `It`s winter` and then we silently hate each other.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.