Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
You call the shots. I`ll drink them.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
I don`t know who I feel more sorry for.. myself for never being able to find where I parked my car?.. or the poor bastards following me through the parking lot hoping to take my parking space...
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
If you`ve Liked more than 15 of my posts over the past year, I assume you`re okay with me putting you down as a personal reference on this job application, k?
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
Nice try, St. Patrick`s Day, but I don`t need a reason to drink.
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers. "Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?" SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!!
I used to think drinking was bad until i stopped thinking
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time