Daily Silly Status

If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.

I don`t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!

I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.

Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up

I love to start my day by getting on Facebook to see who is a whiny little bi!ch today.

That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!

I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth

My neck, my back, my Netflix and my snacks.

Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.

Was going to watch the presidential inauguration today, but found something more interesting on a different channel. Watched "How cow farts affect the ozone layer" on The Science channel.

Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were

It would be funny if the husband is actually sleeping with the Jake from state Farm.

Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.