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If your dog takes a dump on your floor and you clean it up, who owns who??
Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
Dear facebook, please quit asking me what`s on my mind. Eventually I`m going to get in trouble if I keep telling you.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
If a worker gets fired & banned from the Lego company, have they been "blocked"?
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
Dear Gangsta: If you pulled up your pants a little you could run from the cops faster.
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
I was always a believer in evolution....then I spent an hour at Walmart and now I`m not so sure
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards
I wonder what the inventor of the drawing board said when his first design didn’t work out.