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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
People are so ungrateful. No one ever thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
I wonder if there are any times on the clock that I have never seen.
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
When I was a kid, I told my parents I was going to make something of myself. I think they are getting impatient.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
Would you like a push on that mood swing of yours?