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Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
I`m allergic to gluten free diets.
Pretending to be a morning person is exhausting.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they look.
I hate those new parents who do the `baby talking`, yes I do, yes I do...
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
Is Nudeism a religion?
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.