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They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
Why must the phrase, "It is none of my business" always be followed by, "but"?
I passed a homeless guy who asked "Any change!?" I said "Nope, your still dirty and homeless". We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
Didn`t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
Behind every great women is a man checking out her a$$
This pill bottle says `Take with plenty of fluids` and `Don`t take with alcohol`. That doesn`t even make sense
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
If I procrastinated any harder right now, it would have to involve time travel.
Whatever it is ... I didn´t do it!
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
I`m ready to regret having sex with you.
Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they`ll dig the wrong way. It`s called thinking ahead guys.