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I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "The Illuminaughty"
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Any question is a hard hitting question when it`s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
How am I supposed to make great life choices when I still use my fingers to count and sing the whole alphabet to see what letter comes next?
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "lottery winner".
There’s plenty of fish in the sea… I just suck at fishing.
Happy Monday!! I`m gonna sit this one out.
Sobriety and I have agreed to see other people today
I guess I need to buy some new drink coasters because I finally ran out of AOL free trial CDs.
Dear Dr Phil, I was watching my next door neighbor`s wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was enjoying myself I turned to notice my lady was just standing there, arms folded...watching me. Is she a pervert?
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!