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I just love having sex with you...Next time I hope you are there with me.
How many times can you celebrate a 29th birthday before people catch on? -asking for a friend
Does this status update make me look fat?
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri says, " In 400 feet, stop and let me out".
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
Everyday I’m shoveling. – Winter 2014
I bought one of the "Books for Dummies" for 50% off, but I needed help to figure out what the price was.
Sometimes words just aren`t enough. And that`s why we have middle fingers.
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
I hear boomerangs are making a comeback.
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
Look Bruce, just because you call it the "Batcave" doesn`t change the fact that you still live in your parents basement.
Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin’ STILL isn’t easy.
How about this for lazy: I`m letting the NSA take all my selfies for me.