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I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
Why do medications always have side effects like `anal leakage` & `suicidal thoughts`? Why not `invisibility` or `spontaneous orgasms`?
Unless its inappropriately, don`t f*cking touch me.
If you like to make love while listeninag to music, always choose live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
My roommate is going on a date tonight.. He said he`s convinced she IS coming home with him.. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters.. Now we wait..
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
I`ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
I`ll always be here for you ... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I`ll be over there for you.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you