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If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
If you see anything posted from me that involves something normal or appropriate, it is not me. I believe I`ve been hacked.
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
life is like a bed of roses just got to whatch out for the pricks
You seem like a sweat person. Mind if I lick you to find out?
Try Zumba, It`s awesome ... on my way to the emergency room.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
My girlfriend is gorgeous, selfless, graceful, highly intelligent and looking over my shoulder as I type.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
"nice crocs. where did you get them?" - nobody ever
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome