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Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
Telling someone they shouldn`t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn`t be happy because others have it better.
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
I AM doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around.
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
My girlfriend isn`t much of a wrestler but you should see her box!!
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
Can I get likes for no reason?
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.