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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
I’m not here to judge, I’m just pointing out all the mistakes you’re making.
The only thing worse than dramatic girls facebook statuses…dramatic guys Facebook statuses.
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Just googled "who gives a sh!t?" My name wasn`t in the search results.
I wish pillsbury would think of another way to open biscuits without giving you a heart attack ;)
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on for awhile.