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Today I gave up procrastination for Lent.
Alright, I admit it. Sometimes when I wave my hands in the air, I actually do care.
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
I love nostalgia. Not sure what it means, but it reminds me of magical words from my childhood.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
the ulitmate moment is when your identical twin says your ugly
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
As far as Im concerned, you are not my concern.
I just want to be famous enough to have a Wikipedia page full of misinformation about me.
*driving behind a cop* Well, well, well. Looks like the tables have turned.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.