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Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
"Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated." Thank you news-anchor. It`s my first summer.
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
You know you`re all grown up when you actually pick up the ice cube instead of kick it under the fridge.
thumbs up if you pee on the side of the toilet to make it quiet.
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
The only man worth waiting for is the delivery guy
What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets