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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
The final stage of adulthood is when you start saying, "Oooh, that breeze feels nice."
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
My New Year`s Resolution is to stop making late decisions.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
Bacon...need I say more
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.
If you’re a douchebag, it’s so easy to find the right hat.