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The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
Eventually, some poor astronaut is going to crash into all that Star Wars writing
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
I just started dating a homeless girl and it`s great! When I take her home, I can drop her off anywhere I want.
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
If you go shopping at Walmart and no one stares at you as you walk by, you`re one of them.
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
If you need time alone, announce that it`s time to clean the house.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
Singing in the shower is illegal according to this Ikea security guard.
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.