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It`s what`s on the inside that counts... *Except chocolate covered raisins.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Patient: She`s out of town.
For all those girls that say `all guys are the same` ... Who told you to try them all? Hoe.
I`ve learned to take life as it comes...straight with no chaser.....
2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.
There is no better indication of how drunk you are than how loudly you declare that you`re not.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
Don`t waste your time being difficult. Put forth a little more effort and be impossible.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
I laugh in the face of normal.
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.