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Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account
If you watched a person cut a piece of wood, would that be sawed or seen?
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
Sometimes, I like to stalk random strangers vacation pic`s, and tag myself as one of the people in the background just for laughs.
Nice try, blocked number but I don`t even answer the phone for people I know.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
List of things I’ve accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List
If life gives you lemons make grape juice than lay back and watch people wondering how you did it;)
Salary is like a menstrual cycle, it comes once a month and is gone in five days...
You`ve been on more hotel pillows then chocolate mints.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
Alcohol doesn`t get people drunk, people get people drunk. Drunk people get other drunk people extra drunk.
I hate driving so much that I even ring for taxis on grand theft auto.
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.