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Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
Don`t you love followers that don`t acknowledge your existence. Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
I get nervous after taking time off work, that in my absence my boss will realize how little I actually do at the office.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
I don’t mean to brag but when I’m at the Taco Bell drive thru placing my order, I don’t even look at the prices.
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is "compost."
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie
A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.