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I bet anyone who`s had to fight a bear has snuck at least one hug in
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
Welcome to WebMD. Type quickly, you don`t have long.
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
The wet spot in my bed is tears
Girls with tattoos on your tits, Why? We`re already looking at them.
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
If you are going to write in the dust on my car, please dont date it
I`ve been married twice. The next wife I have will be someone else`s and she can just go home when she`s mad at me.
"YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?" I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...