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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
I wanted to say thank you to all the people who gave me a reason to drink this Friday night.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name.
Ever had one of those days that you feel like you should have skipped the coffee and went straight for the booze?
If your friends can accurately guess your age, you need to find dumber friends.
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn`t have one damn ride.
Parenting gets a lot harder when you can no longer say "I`m calling Santa!"
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari