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When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
Perhaps Voldemort’s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
All I`m saying is, I`ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together.
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
You`re never too old to throw random sh*t in people`s shopping carts when they aren`t looking.
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
I hate when I forget my sunglasses and get caught staring at a woman`s boobs for 20 minutes.
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
The list of things I won’t eat if covered in chocolate gets smaller everyday.
Sorry I can`t make it to your party tonight- I have to get up REALLY early tomorrow afternoon.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
The best part of an argument is the make up sex...unless you`re fighting with your brother.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.