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One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
I don`t try to annoy people; its just a gift.
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
It should cost $10 to leave someone a voicemail.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
Don’t jump to confusions.
I just keep telling myself you guys don`t have sex either.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
Immature: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
If A-B-C-D didn`t drag out their part of the Alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn`t have to be so rushed.
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........