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At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
when a girl says "whatever" what she really means "I hope you get shot, fall off a bridge, get raped by a shark, and then eaten by it
Save time. See it my way.
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
I need a six month vacation Twice a year.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.
Facebook Proves: That if Family had the Option... they`d Delete ya.
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.