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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
Why hasn`t anyone invented a button next to the snooze which emails your boss to say you`re gonna be late?
Pornography only gets called by its full name when it`s in trouble too.
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the taser wrong.
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
I`m saving all my good posts for when I can think of some.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?