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I wish "friends with benefits" meant your friends paid all of your bills.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit ... And all I did was sign up.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
Society: Be yourself. Society: No not like that
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
Half of my life has been spent hoping people don’t see me.
There`s a pretty good chance I`ll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people...