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We´re responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
I called one of those numbers in the bathroom stall and my wife answered. Very funny guys.
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 7 am is sexy... Then yeah, I`m your guy.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
Although the voices aren`t real, they have some pretty good ideas.
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
TRUE FRIENDSHIP: Walking into a persons house and your wifi connects automatically.
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?
My whole life is based on a true story...
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.