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My need for caffeine is so bad I`m going to AA for the free coffee
Tip of the day: When there’s a will…find a way to be in it!
Okay, I can`t take it anymore. What in the hell holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
Make your day more fun by going up to a stranger and asking "Hey, how have you been since the amnesia?"
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
You know what`s the best part about waking up early? Nothing, it sucks!
What if the stickers are the only thing Made In China?
As a Harry Potter fan, I wanted to go to Hogwarts. As a Hunger Games fan, not so much...
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?