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I’ve made some mistakes I wish I could make again.
Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614
Every load of laundry that I wash, dry, fold, and put away makes nudists seem less crazy.
My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
Right now a FedEx driver is dropkicking your Christmas gift onto someone’s front porch.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.
We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm. If you can’t come, let me know.