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ALCOHOL - Because no good story ever started with someone drinking a glass of orange juice.
Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
When I found out my toaster wasn`t waterproof, I was shocked!
Today in my local cemetery I came across the grave of Arthur Wynne the inventor of the crossword puzzle. For those that want to know where he is buried it`s 6 down and 4 across.
What a lovely winter we`re having this spring.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
Why is it when you have a day off you seem to bounce out off bed at 6am, but the days you go to work, it takes a forklift and 2 sticks of dynamite to separate me from my pillow??
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
I will be responsible for my actions when my actions become more responsible.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
Talk to your kids about drugs. Maybe they have better connections than you.
You`re always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.